How to Survive Awkward Silence on a Date
If you’re like me and are deathly afraid of awkward silence, going on a date with a guy alone will probably trigger a whole lot of stress and anxiety. Thoughts like, Is he bored with my company? Does he find me weird? and OMG this is awkward, kill me now will probably run through your mind a dozen times.
(The way I psych myself out is by telling myself it’s just a lunch appointment, not a date-date — but that’s probably not the healthiest way to go about it.)
Thing is, if you’re worrying that it’s awkward, chances are you’re making it awkward. Even if the guy didn’t feel that way at all, your constant internal fretting is likely the thing that’s making him uncomfortable.
That’s because he’s not involved in the thoughts bouncing around in your head. All he sees is you clamming up because you’re too busy entertaining those worries, so he has to work at filling up the silence or keep the conversation going.
Granted, it’s daunting to be comfortable around someone you’ve only just met. You want to present the best side of yourself and rein in the crazy (at least at the beginning).
Maybe we just need to live in the moment and go with the flow (I know, a mean feat for those who plan everything down to the minute).
Here are a few ways to get out of your head and be present on your date:
1. Get Comfortable With Silence
This is like asking me to embrace period cramps like an old friend. But an actual friend of mine told me that the problem is all just in my head.
The silence between you and a stranger/your date is no different from that with a close friend or family member. Same silence, different people. What’s different, also, is our perception of that silence.
An occasional lull in the conversation is actually pretty normal. But we perceive it to be a huge, daunting problem and start feeling pressured to think of something to say and our brain ends up drawing a blank because it’s in panic mode and all that comes out is
Instead of fixating on that giant sea of silence between you and your date, think of it as some down-time to reflect on the conversation and gather your thoughts before picking up where you left off.
2. Listen Before You Talk
I don’t know about you, but most times, I’m too busy thinking of something “interesting” to say instead of being in the moment. So the guy may be going on about some rad documentary he watched the other day, and I’m just nodding and making random noises to indicate that I’m listening when really I’m just panicking about what to say or ask next so I don’t sound stupid or boring.
On hindsight, it was probably better to listen to what he was saying so we could have, you know, an actual conversation. In short, we just have to pull ourselves out of our heads.
Pointedly shut up that voice in your head and focus on paying attention to the person you’re having a convo with. Be engaged with what they’re saying (if you’re not really interested in finding out the answers, why are you even on a date with him?) and let your thoughts flow naturally. Let the words find you instead of scrambling for them.
3. Be Curious
Small talk eludes me. In fact, I die a little inside whenever I’m forced to drag on a convo about traffic or the weather or what I’m wearing, all the while offering a phony smile like this is all so scintillating.
Maybe I’m weird, but I would rather get to know who you are at the core. What you read, who your childhood heroes are, what’s one unforgettable book that spoke to you, what sort of life you see yourself leading five years from now, what is one thing you’d keep doing even if you weren’t getting paid for it…
Some guys get scared off by such “deep” talk (one even said, “This is a conversation for when we’re drunk,” like it’s too heavy for his sober self to handle), but the ones who went with the flow were the ones with whom I could talk for ages.
Mind you, it wasn’t an interrogation of any sort. The awkwardness only ceases to exist if the exchange is two-way. If you find yourself asking all the questions and him just replying, he’s either a) not interested in knowing you, b) really shy, or c) counting down the minutes before he can pretend to be late for another appointment.
4. Resist the Urge to Check Your Phone
I’m totally guilty of this. Isn’t it so much easier to pretend like you have something better to do with your phone than the silence that’s sitting between you and your date like it’s a ticking time bomb?
But it seems like such a cop-out to duck into your phone once the conversation dries up — especially if it’s someone you agreed to go out on a date (okay, lunch appointment) with. Plus, you know, it’s rude.
So every time I find myself reaching for my phone, I’d think of something I had seen on Facebook or Instagram that I thought was interesting and share it with the other person. So I guess it basically comes back to letting him into your sphere instead of shutting him out.
As an INFP/INFJ, it’s incredibly hard — almost impossible —for me to open up to people, especially those I’ve just met. But as much as hermits like to live under their rock, they also need some fresh air and social interaction with the other crabs on the beach from time to time to stay sane.
So these are some tips that help me come out of my shell and deal with the inevitable awkwardness of (first) dates — lunch appointments! I hope they work for you too.
What do you think of those tips to overcome awkwardness? Do you have any more to share? What are some instances when your date became awkward…or didn’t? Sound off in the Comments section below! I’d love to hear your stories.
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