Why Exes Can’t Be Friends
Friends, Lovers, or Nothing. John Mayer wrote this beautiful number and seriously struck a cord with me with the melodious tune. Except I don’t quite agree with the lyrics. I say, Lovers, or Nothing.
They say that if you are friends with your ex, it has to be either one of these reasons:
If two past lovers can remain friends, either they never were in love, or they still are. — Unknown
Then there are the optimistic ones who would brush this statement off as myopic and go on to say that it IS possible. After all, this person meant the world to you at some point in your life. Beyond lovers, you guys were probably best friends. Soul mates, even. It isn’t logical to just treat this person like a complete stranger just because the two of you couldn’t make it work as a couple.
Well, I beg to differ. Here’s why:
You need time to get over someone who meant the world to you, and you can’t do that if that person is still in your life.
You need time apart to actually internalize the entire break up, reflect upon the relationship, go past every single memory and cry your eyes out before you can even function again. You need to adjust to life without that person you are so used to seeing or talking to everyday. You need to learn how to be on your own again. An ex might make things harder for you, much less help.
You have always treated this person differently, and you will continue to do so.
Your boyfriend or girlfriend was probably first, if not second to family. If you choose to be friends instead, you have to care less, worry less, and ultimately, feel nothing at all. Not a tinge of romantic affection!
Once you reach a certain level of physical intimacy, there’s no turning back.
It is true — how are you suppose to make a conscious attempt to withdraw yourself from grabbing his arm whenever you get scared? Or stop yourself from lifting her up whenever you have something exciting to share? As much as we’d like to deny it, it is awkward. Friends don’t do that.
Meeting someone new
How long is long enough before we start seeing other people? Assuming that you’re going with the “Oh, yes, we broke up. I lost a lover. But I’m keeping my best friend.” shenanigans, how does one confide in an ex about relationship problems about someone else? How do we share our excitements and describe the butterflies in our stomach about someone else — the same butterflies that you once felt with him/her? AWKWARD.
More than that, how would your next girlfriend/boyfriend feel about you maintaining close ties with your ex? Sounds like an incoming cat fight to me.
The Grey Area
We, humans, are just so vulnerable and fundamentally flawed. Especially the ones who get soft easily. Time is a great healer. But eventually, people tend to forget the reason why they broke up in the first place. Whether he did you wrong by cheating on you, or because irreconcilable differences got in the way of things, never forget why you guys did not work out back then. After some time, we’d eventually get over the pain. Then all the good ol’ memories would come rushing in and the wave of nostalgia hits you so hard that we forget all the bad.
It wouldn’t be long before all the reasons that you had forgotten rushes back to the surface again. It is a vicious cycle.
At some point, you just have to relinquish your grip and accept the fact that the best we can do is to smile or say a mere “hello” when you bump into your past lover.
And right there and then, I hope that that smile of yours would be genuine, not because you are happy to see him/her again, but because you know that you are in a better place now.
What do you think? Do YOU agree that exes should not be friends? Share with us in the Comments section below!
